Looking at Clouds

"I switch airplane mode on. Now: I'm truly alone, from all the Monday-to-Friday bullshit I still need to deal with on this dull Saturday, and I'm here with just myself. Eyes wanting to be relaxed but shrugging from the daylight. I'm tired. Of being. But I'm here, able to do nothing for just a little while. So: I breathe, let out."

~

Looking at Clouds is a short story about changes, thinking about gender, about a year of big things happening flying by then suddenly it's all changed. You're reflecting now on all that. And now what? I dunno.

Sometimes looking up at the soft fluffy things just kind of does it, it does the job, helping the head sit quietly to let all the tumbleweed thoughts roll on then out.

~

   Control, safety,
      trust. Words I keep finding in my memories. Words I repeatedly find new ways to understand then relearn. They mean exchange
   submission
                     security            vulnerable
        stability
                                harm                   hysterics
     history
                         warmth             hedonist
         anticipation
                                    home (temporary)
   they are all sensations my body learned. my brain has to figure out what words match them, to nurture them onwards. I was pursuing intimate friendships with random people to explore myself.

Content Notes: Transgender thoughts, relationships, way too much introspection for one day, reflecting on years of gender exploration as a timid late bloomer